Poker:
I haven’t played any in weeks. Like I’ve said before, I’m sick of it, I think I’ve quit. So if you like to read my blog for infrequent poker updates, then don’t read on, go and wank off to a video of Devilfish instead.
Life:
Something strange, and slightly unsettling, occurred at work today. I work under a manager who must have learnt her management style from some kind of Stasi handbook, with her technique based on the principles of micro-management, inefficient over-planning, paranoid delusions of grandeur, and an impressively narrow view of the job role.
Anyway, I hate to say it, but I have bitched about her before. Yeah, I know…it’s a bit feminine of me, even homosexual I might say, but I’m a liberal, so it doesn’t bother me.
A colleague would often email me, or vice-versa, with such well constructed sentences as “the dumb fucking bitch is doing my head in, stupid cow”, or “when the fuck will she shut up”, and occasionally “arrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhh FFS”.
This colleague quit recently, and now my boss for some reason has access to his emails, to check if clients have contacted him. And she saw such emails. Yes, incredibly nice of her to read private emails.
She questioned me about it, and it surprised me slightly – although the eventuality that I would one day get caught had crossed my mind, and obviously spurned me on to continue acting as I had – but I felt completely bored by this whole debacle. “Why are you reading private emails?” I asked. She didn’t have an answer. And we left it at that. To be continued tomorrow I guess.
The reason I bring this up, is not because it’s interesting – it clearly isn’t – but because this feeling of detachment seems to be something that prevails in my life. I just feel like its not me experiencing things, like I’m living in a dream. This all came to a head in a rather frightening experience a few weeks back when I was in Portugal with my dad, who had some kind of an ‘attack’ where he almost fell to the floor and shook violently, and when I looked in his eyes he was on another planet. I stayed during the episode, then when he calmed down, I rushed to grab the car keys, to take him to the hospital. In my rural region in Portugal, to call an ambulance is a waste of time, it’d take about 2 hours for one to get there probably. Anyway, once I returned he was looking better, and I was shaking with fear, absolute terror. At first I started to feel like I was watching a film, and then this changed to an almost hyperactive feeling, I almost wanted to smile or laugh, I felt full of energy, full of life. It was terrible, I really felt horrified with myself for days afterwards. Actually, I still feel horrified now. In one of the worst experiences of mine for years, I reacted in an unnatural manner.
It reminds me almost of when I was younger, and if somebody relatively unknown to me (a distant cousin, or a boy at school in another year) died, I’d react by laughing. It’s not really the best of reactions to have at such things, but I couldn’t help it.
This detachment has often followed me around. A girl would say “I love you” and I’d reply “Why?”. In a fight, a guy would say “I want to kill you”, I’d reply “I want to kill me too”.
Recently I’ve attempted to combat this, to try and feel alive again. I think its working, but I’m taking some strange routes. I’ve quadrupled my weekly alcohol and drug intake, and the downers make me feel alive. I’ve begun to starve myself on weekdays, and the hunger pains make me feel alive. I’ve lost a stone in 4 weeks, and I feel alive, despite the fact I’m fading away. I’ve begun to stand dangerously close to moving trains and traffic, and the rush of wind makes me feel alive. I used to feel alive when a poker card turned my way, now I feel empathy for the loser.
I think I’m nearing the end of this experiment though, so don’t worry dear readers, I’ll be back to write another largely ignored blog post soon.
On a more positive note, I asked a girl out friday, and she said yes, but she was drunk. She’s actually away right now, and she asked I text her to arrange the meet, so I text her a few days later to arrange it, as shes back day after tomorrow I think, but haven’t heard anything yet. It’s only been 29 hours, 43 minutes though, so maybe it isn’t quite yet time for me to give up on her.
I’m really hoping she replies (obviously I’m not messaging her again now), otherwise I’m set to have a very boring, and ultimately depressing, christmas.
I want some fcking binkage from this bird, ONE TIME FFS ONE TIME.
I’ll post some epic sex posts if she says yes, so please please pray for me too, otherwise I’ll have to post more stories about mingers, shoes and….hand histories. Yes, I’ll unleash some hand histories on you. You have been warned…
) to 12-1. I still believe I should be paid at 70-1.
and ‘Top Test Indiviudal Score to be > 313′… this was priced at 6/1, now into 5/2. The new prices are just fair.
